it was too funny to pass up:

from McSweeny's:
PLANNED PARENTHOOD'S PLANS C, D, E, F, AND G FOR IRAQI INSURGENT CONTROL.
BY TEDDY WAYNE

- - - -

Fostering democracy in Iraq can be a magical experience—provided that you, the paternalistic government, are prepared for the responsibility of occupying and nurturing a nation-state in its infancy. If you aren't, you may end up breeding unwanted insurgents and, consequently, overstretching both your military budget and the patience of voters. Below are five strategies from Planned Parenthood for Iraqi insurgent control, from least to most effective.

P L A N C

Withdrawal
(The "Pull-Out" Technique)

Myth: A military can avoid insurgent procreation as long as it withdraws before things get "overzealous." Fact: Even a trace amount of lingering Western presence in Iraq can stimulate the insurgent-production centers. Worse, you may pull out too late—March 2008, say—when the seeds of anti-Americanism have already been planted and your ill-timed exit strategy has inadvertently spawned a whole new generation of insurgents.

P L A N D

The Rhythm Method

This technique of intermittence was pioneered during the Crusades by the Catholics, who do not subscribe to most other forms of heathen control. Modern practitioners invade Iraq every 12 years to coincide with the precise moment before an election when public approval of the president is most barren. Bad idea: Iraq's borders are far from impregnable, and the rhythm method does not guarantee a path to peace strewn with flowers—unless they're bouquets congratulating your puppet president on his brood of newborn mujahideen. We hope you'll learn your lesson when 2015 rolls around and the insurgent boom has split up Iraq into hundreds of dysfunctional tribal regimes. Remember, political coups affect young jihadists the most.

P L A N E

The Patchwork Alliance

"The patch," as it is colloquially known, is affixed to the international agenda at the start of military operations and rapidly disintegrates. You will likely still reproduce cells of fundamentalist Muslims, but at least the burdens of occupation will be dispersed among a coalition of willing babysitters who fear crossing you and losing your business in the future. Though some of your so-called allies will leave when the going gets tough, and though the major costs and duties of taking care of the insurgents will be borne by your taxpayers and military personnel, you can still rely on the strongholds of Romania, Georgia, Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, and Fiji, among others, who will supply literally dozens of soldiers and/or medics to help you cope with those rascally extremist scamps you've conceived. And don't forget Poland!

P L A N F

Body Armor

With proper use, body armor is an effective defense and, over time, may demoralize insurgents and thus reduce their number. So, if you believe you are militarily and emotionally ready to invade, put on some armor before doing so—but don't skimp on quality, or you may as well be fighting without any protection whatsoever and are riskily putting your fate in the hands of IEDs (Improvised Explosive Devices). Some soldiers think that strapping on Kevlar in the heat of battle destroys spontaneity or that safe-skirmish techniques dull the excitement of guerrilla warfare, but armor-donning can be a fun, pleasurable stage of combat preparation with your fellow grunts. For governments who cannot afford armor or who find purchasing it from a defense supplier awkward, we provide free vests and helmets in the third-floor restrooms of the Pentagon. Warning: Many invaders shine their body armor to keep it looking spiffy, but most lubricants, especially oil, drastically degrade the material.

P L A N G

Abstinence

Abstaining from invasion is the only sure-fire way to thwart the creation of more insurgents. You'll also safeguard yourself from STDs (Saudi Threatening Denouncements). And here's the best part: Abstention won't increase your federal deficit by a cent! It may seem like everyone else is invading the Middle East these days, but when talking to superpowers, smaller countries often feel pressure to lie about their exploits, and those who really have "done the colonial deed," such as England, usually sorely regret their military actions and wish they'd saved themselves for a bilateral offensive. So, next time you feel the overwhelming urge to invade Iraq, submerge yourself in one of your cold bodies of water, talk things over diplomatically with your international partners, and, if you're still feeling the urge, consider bolstering the Patriot Act to screw over your own country.

Why are most of the characters of Drive wearing blue jeans? What about semi-casual or formal attire? That girl in the light blue shirt looks like she's carrying explosives. Hmmm...maybe they're like her special utility storage devices...like Batman's utility belt! Wow, the future is so cool. $60 more for 100 Gig storage capacity! USB 3.0?! I can't say no!

I didn't know Fillion was Gao the Lesser! I am so going to kick his butt again.

Just as one show starring an actor with bad cancellation luck has met its fate, another starts up.

Just watched the first episode of Drive, starring everyone's favourite Edmontonian, and someone who knows a bit about cancellation himself, Nathan Fillion. It's a Tim Minear creation, and has some fun elements. Definitely worth a taste. At least, until Fox starts moving it around the schedule, underpromotes it and eventually cancels it too.

(I mean, you'd think Minear and Fillion would have learned from President Bush's wise words: "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.")

Just something interesting for all you studying to get a degree only to work at some lame ass job for 40 years, thus losing all the dreams you had in your youth as they are destroyed by the crushing weight of reality.

The Cyclists The intermediate stage between humans and pure energy.

Enjoy!

Happy Birthday Tom!

Welcome to quarter-life crisis!

okay... now imagine that's the real G.W. Bush... and the cat is enormous...



roar!

just look at those fangs.


(okay, i'm done... back to paper-writing *sigh*)

No thanks, I'm home now. Plenty of studying to keep me busy. Maybe next time.

uhh... nice Par.... wanna write my paper for me then? :)

this thing is driving me crazy!

More random, time-killing reading:

The Alameda-Weehawken Burrito Tunnel:

The story begins in any of the three dozen taquerias supplying the Bay Area Feeder Network, an expansive spiderweb of tubes running through San Francisco’s Mission district as far south as the “Burrito Bordeaux” region of Palo Alto and Mountain View. Electronic displays in each taqueria light up in real time with orders placed on the East Coast, and within minutes a fresh burrito has been assembled, rolled in foil, marked and dropped down one of the small vertical tubes that rise like organ pipes in restaurant kitchens throughout the city.

...

Ever since Isaac Newton first described the laws of gravity in 1687, scientists have known that the quickest route between two points is along a straight line through the Earth’s interior. Through the magic of gravity, any object dropped into such a “chord tunnel” at one end will emerge exactly 42 minutes later at the other end, no matter the distance. But for hundreds of years, the technical challenges of building such a tunnel were so daunting that it remained a theoretical curiosity. Only at the start of the 20th century did the idea become technically feasible, and to this day the tunnel linking the East Bay with New Jersey remains the only structure of its kind in the world.

Later this month, South African women will be able to arm their vaginas with the Rapex device, a product priced at 1 rand (around 7p) and sold over the counter. Shaped like a female condom and worn internally, its hollow interior is lined with 25 razor-sharp teeth, which fasten on to an attacker's penis if he attempts penetration.

Some people - including women's campaigners - have criticised the device for being "vengeful". Well, as its inventor, Sonette Ehlers, has said, it's "a medieval device for a medieval deed". If any rapist finds himself hopping with pain as a result - as well as facing the fact that the only way to remove the device is said to be a highly awkward and incriminating hospital visit - that seems just fine to me. Yes, it's vengeful. Yes, it hurts rapists. Oh well.

In case you haven't noticed, as the result of a shamelessly rigged election in Florida, in which thousands of African-Americans were arbitrarily disenfranchised, we now present ourselves to the rest of the world as proud, grinning, jut-jawed, pitiless war-lovers with appallingly powerful weaponry - who stand unopposed.

In case you haven't noticed, we are now as feared and hated all over the world as Nazis once were.

And with good reason.

In case you haven't noticed, our unelected leaders have dehumanised millions and millions of human beings simply because of their religion and race. We wound 'em and kill 'em and torture 'em and imprison 'em all we want.

Piece of cake.

In case you haven't noticed, we also dehumanised our own soldiers, not because of their religion or race, but because of their low social class.

Send 'em anywhere. Make 'em do anything.

Piece of cake.

The O'Reilly Factor.

So I am a man without a country, except for the librarians and a Chicago paper called In These Times.

I mean for First Nations, Inuit and Metis.